| I realize my birthday's get worse and worse each year. Yesterday was no different...first I painstakingly drive to chambana just to find my bed littered with cat poo....dried cat poo. Took care of that problem with a few washes of my sheets and flipped the bed. The highlight of my day was actually getting lil porgies for dinner. It was premium quality today and it made everything all better. The fastest way to my heart? A good delicious meal.
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| qwop
http://www.foddy.net/Athletics.html
best running game ever!
16.8meters running! new record for me!
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| i've been mia for a while now....i've truly believe i have a curse which makes anything electronic not function properly...i.e. my laptop charger.
so what's up? well....
the same o same o....still in chambana...still at cfc...still a student...still a fool.
there hasn't been a lot of activity other than church goings...which is like a full time job where you pay the job but that doesn't really bother me. i love serving cfc.
lately some things i have been meditating upon has been the idea of trust. a topic that falls along the same lines of surrender. here at cfc our head pastor P.Min has been doing his sermons on Luke. we are going from the great banquet to the cost of being a disciple. lately i have really been wrestling with the idea of giving everything to God. can i really trust in God to provide everything if He demands of me my comforts? that He has the goods to make my other worries to be at rest? of course the textbook answer is a solid yes. seek first His kingdom and all these things will be given to you.
my lot in life i believe is much like the parable of talents. granted the sum of what those workers got was a large amount, i believe in contrast to others i am the man with the least. always poor..have a job but no hours..still trying to get a degree going into my eighth year..and still single. i don't have much...and i really don't desire much. just enough so that i would not have to worry. even with what little i have, can i entrust it all to the Lord? i'm not talking about shallow examples of not having lunch to eat. i ask in the deepest sense of my entirety. to give up the love of myself in every facet. to trust that the Lord holds that which is much grandeur. again...my heart answers the textbook answer...yes. but does my heart live it?
in fear of ministry...in fear of gaining nothing..in fearing the failure of a man. i believe the Lord is growing me now. yet it is a very pessimistic angle that i spin. again i view my lot as small, a connection to my fears of ministry in the future...there are reapers and there are sowers of which i believe i am of the latter. i ready my heart to see no fruit. i believe i will sow in tears....granted this whole thought train is pretty much unbiblical. a view perceived through the window of self centeredness...if that is even a word.
not seeing myself meet the standards that i hold to be a good model, really puts a damper on my morale. an opposing side to my desire to find the one to quench my physical and emotional need. i guess in retrospect isn't that bad but none the less...not honoring of God. wisdom tainted by low pride. a glass is half empty view...
can i again...trust in God...even if i don't see fruit...even if ....i don't get the girl i like...even if....it means my life.
it is not that i do not trust the Lord...it is just my desire to trust in him more than my comfort and self preservation. a cry of i do believe, help me overcome my unbelief.
if you've read thus far. i hope you don't come away with a negative vibe. i really am just in a hunger to grow deeper in love with the Lord. truth is...God is faithful..I have no evidence that He has not lived up to that title. my life is a testimony of the fact that He is faithful. i might not have the greatest lot in life...but it is perfect for who i am and in what i need. chalk one up to my sinful heart which makes me forget.
from the chair in front of the wide screen tv that's hooked up to a computer and cable...peace
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| so i was watching the amc channel and it was showing the movie commando starring arnold schwarzenegger. basically a retired elite commando has his daughter kidnapped and has to follow along the plot of an exiled dictator. i was watching and a line had caught my attention. "You're a funny man, Sully, I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last." and it felt somewhat familiar. it reminded me of a comment that eric sohn left me many a moons ago on one of my posts. Specifically the post where I ninja into easter dinner pics. Thank you sir and amc. The comment which had baffled me earlier now has context. |
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